Ten Terrifying Things About Turning Thirty-Five

10. Rebel songs of youth are now "light hits" on oldies station.

9. That crunching noise is my knees.

8. Realizing that I am not now, nor will ever be, a "hottie."

7. That one "la vecchia" rodent-type hair growing out of my neck.

6. Choosing comfort over coolness.

4. Forgetting what I'm doing in the middle of doing it.

3. Leg warmers are coming back.

2. Oh my god! I forgot to have kids!

And the most terrifying thing about turning thirty-five...

1. Three words: ass fat dimples.